work, stress and what to do next

I have spent so much time at work over the last few months that I have begun to actually feel as if my keyboard is simply an extension of my hands. The dull, numb feeling in my ass, caused by sitting in this chair for ten plus hours a day has become all too familiar and I could swear my ears are now more comfortable with a telephone headset on.

I am only 34 years old and I already feel like an old man who should be looking forward to retirement. I had my son at 17, which means I became a responsible adult before I was able to buy a Playboy. I have already spent 18 years in the work force. I’ve had 3 surgeries on my knees, 2 on my shoulder and 1 hernia operation. The hair on my head is now about as fleeting as support for our President and my beard is getting more grey by the day. And it’s my own damn fault.

I rarely take breaks at work, other than 1-2 minutes to get coffee or use the restroom. I work a minimum of 10 hours a day, which means I spend more of my waking hours in my office than I do in my own home. And when I finally do leave the office, I have no outlet to relieve my stress.
I’ve spent many years laughing at the “work hard / play hard” mentality but now I think I understand. It’s all about balance. I can’t continue to be a workaholic unless I find time for myself outside of work.

So, I have made a few promises to myself. Please note: I’ve made a point to come up with this before New Years. These are not resolutions to be tossed aside after a month. I see this as more if a life-change.

Here is the list of things that I will do for myself every week.

· I will keep a clean home (a cluttered home causes stress)
· I will dress better for work (sometimes appearance is all it takes to get the respect you want)
· I will cook a nice supper every Sunday (this will be an open-house type dinner where friends and family can always drop by and join in)
· I will walk more (I sit enough at work)
· I will make the time to read more (I have far too many books at home still waiting to be read)
· I will play music more often (whether it by my bass, my bassoon or something else… I need a creative outlet)

Granted, these things along will not necessarily lead to a more fulfilling or stress-free life… but it’s certainly a step in the right direction. I’m sure there will be weeks where I fall back to my old habit, but I’m willing to bet that I will soon find myself happier and healthier than I am now.

Only time will tell, I guess.

Southern California is a Mecca for shallow people.

Every day I hear people around me whining about the new laptop they can’t live without or how their soy mocha latte didn’t have enough foam. They feel sorry for their friends with ugly cars but they won’t give fifty cents to a homeless person.

Here's a thought.... Stop feeling sorry for the guy who has only 1 television at home and start feeling sorry for the guy who doesn’t have the sense to turn his damn TV off! Stop worrying about how many “friends” you have on MySpace (most of which you will never actually meet) and introduce yourself to the people living next to you.

Some of the happiest, most appreciative people I have ever known are living in Cuba with dirt floors and no running water. And yet, some of the most miserable people I have met are living in one to two million dollar homes in Newport and Laguna Beach.

Sure you can revel in the majesty of your ninety thousand dollar BMW and the new tits you just bought your wife. Keep eating that fast food and when your pants stop fitting just get lipo. After all, you can't be expected to exercise when you've got that new bar to check out in LA. Oh, and be sure to enjoy your first heart attack for your fortieth birthday.

Or maybe you can step back, take a good look at your life and realize that the most valuable things you have aren’t for sale. Learn to value things like your family, your health, your community. Understand that your real wealth isn't defined by tangible things. You may never lay down at night feeling Egyptian cotton, but at least you’ll feel content.

Now I realize that change isn't easy. I struggle almost every day in my attempt to become a better person. So, in an effort to help all you So-Cal locals out there, I thought I'd give you a daily To Do List:

• For every two text messages you send someone, say hello to one person who walks past you.
• Appreciate organic things. Instead of paying an extra fifty cents for a higher grade of gasoline, spend it on milk that isn't full of chemicals.
• When you meet someone, look them in the eye and shake their hand.
• Turn off your cell phone when spending time with a friend.
• Give someone the benefit of the doubt.
• Smile, even if you have no reason to.

As you can see, nothing on that list is difficult to do or time consuming. The only remotely difficult thing about the list is remembering to do it. So give it a try. If you don't see a positive change in your life after a week or two, let me know. I'll send you a Starbucks coupon for your trouble and you can get back to business as usual.

Ain't it the truth....

The times, they are a-changin’ …

It seems it’s time to grow up. It wasn’t a conscious decision really. In fact, if I had my druthers, I’d avoid it all together. But here I am, “Shawn the grown up”.

I think I first noticed this horrible change a week or so ago when I started shopping for my next car. Words like “practical” and “fuel-efficient” keep popping up, while key words like “convertible”, “horse-power” and “fun” are nowhere to be found. I never thought the day would come where I’m more concerned with ABS brakes than a loud exhaust.

I’ve also just left a website which I have been a part of for years. I owe a lot to the site, having met some of my dearest friends through it. However, as great as the community is, I feel that I have outgrown the site itself.

I am, for better or worse, ever-changing. My life has been one hell of a journey so far and I have a feeling I’m just getting started.

With a smug smile...

I often write about my love life… my life with Christa, only to keep it to myself out of a fear of coming off as smug and arrogant.

However, today I don’t really give a damn. I’m tired of keeping quiet about what makes me the happiest.

I wake up to poetry written on mirrors and tiny scraps of paper hidden throughout our home. Words that connect with my very soul and make me feel more whole than I ever thought possible.

I go to bed with the greatest lover I have ever known and I wake up with my best friend in the world.

I’ve read a thousand journals about how happy people are…how amazing their boyfriend/ girlfriend/ spouse is, and how they’re “the happiest couple in the world”.

I read it and I smile (assuredly, rather smugly) because I know that most people will never know love like this… and it’s a thought that will forever humble me.

Driving

I just got in from a drive. I had almost forgotten how relaxing that can be. It’s not like it was anything particularly special…just my lady and I cruising through the neighborhood. Windows down, sunroof up…checking out some of the old homes and buildings in nearby Santa Ana. I kept the radio off, choosing to enjoy the sounds of the city as my soundtrack; the hum and crackle of massive street lights, the occasional car horn like a trumpet off in the distance and the sound of families crowded around their TVs watching their favorite shows. I can’t help but notice how small and insignificant the various cars look compared to the slow swarm of city busses. Massive beasts lit up like fishbowls with just a spattering of passengers. Each one looking more tired than the previous. Proud, hard-working people who probably deserve to have a car much more than I do.
I now have every window and door of the house open. The air is cool and fresh. The gentle hum of the freeway is mixing with the Miles Davis playing on the radio and it’s making my eyes heavy. It’s been a long couple of months and I’m milking this rare night off for everything it’s worth.
It’s been far too long since I last took the time to enjoy the simple things like this. I’ve been too damn focused on work for it. Too busy trying to juggle both a career and a night job. 2 jobs plus 2 bosses adds up to too many people to please and not enough time for myself. Yet, as much as I hate working so hard… I can’t help but think that it’s this schedule, this lifestyle that helps me appreciate the few quite moments I get. Deep down, I know it keeps me from taking things for granted. After all, it’s that second job that keeps me from being one of those tired people on the bus, still waiting to get home.
So here’s to hard work, the sounds of the city and a refreshing break from the heat of the summer.
Life can be rough sometimes, but I don’t think I would have it any other way.

Cheers.

I'm just not that flexible

This is how I feel lately...



NO, not like a cheesy superhero, you smart ass! If I were, it would be much easier. No, it’s more like I’m being pulled in too many directions at once. Between my career (day job) and the evening job it’s like I have no time for anything else…and it’s getting very old.

I need time for the things that are important to me. Things like my lady, my dog, my friends and hell, maybe even some sleep.


Something has to change soon or, unlike Plastic Man, I’ll eventually break.

Beauty is everywhere

I've found some really amazing images whilst surfing the ol' web lately.

Here's a random sampling:













Beauty is such a funny thing... It's so often longed for and yet so often ignored.

Something I've made a conscious effort to do in the last few months is to take a few moments to appreciate the beauty in something. Whether it be a photo, a cloud, a song....anything.

I've found that the realization of how beautiful life can be is a great antidote to being overly cynical and pessimistic (something I'm rather familiar with).

Perhaps these images can do the same for you?

Life has just been motoring right along...

I can't believe we're so far into the year already. I'm working so much that each month just flies righ by me.

I currently seem to have an obsession with dreadlocks. I've always found them intersting, but lately I seem to run into people with them everywhere... and I love them! It's the universe's cruel joke that I'm too bald to have them..... Maybe I can talk my lady into getting them though. mwuahahahaha

Speaking of random thoughts... I cant' remember where I came across this photo, but I love it.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words I cannot handle

I am so sick and tired of people’s hyper-sensitivity. If I hear another person crying about how offended they are by the words of a comic, actor or radio personality I’m going to crap in my hand and throw it at them like a damn chimp.

We, as a nation, have always bragged about our freedom of speech…giving ourselves a (false?) sense of superiority over everyone else. So why is it that people in the public eye are continually losing their jobs because of something they said? I have a strong feeling that these same communities that picket corporations demanding the termination of public figures who’ve said something deemed “offensive” would die before letting someone do that same thing to them. They would spend day and night defending the same freedom of speech that they ignore in others.

Take Don Imus for example. Here’s a man (whom I’ve always disliked) that makes a living as a “shock jock” on the radio. He’s made a great living at being an asshole and saying offensive things on the radio. He jokingly referred to the Rutgers University women’s basketball team as “nappy-headed hos”. Now we have the Opportunist, I mean “Reverend” Al Sharpton, the ACLU and others demanding he be fired. (He’s already lost his TV deal and been suspended for two weeks) because his public apology and offer to meet with the women of the team weren’t good enough.

Here’s a radical idea…If you don’t like what a radio personality has to say, DON’T LISTEN. If you disagree with the beliefs of an artist, don’t support their art. This isn’t kindergarten. We don’t get to eat Play-Doh anymore and we don’t get to tell on people because they said something mean. If you don’t like the way someone’s playing then take your $7.00 Mocha-Latte-Fuck-achino and go play somewhere else.

Or don’t. Call up your pastor or the local news and scream at the top of your lungs demanding that someone lose their job because of their choice of words. Then the next time you hear someone crying about how “our government has taken away our civil liberties” you can stand up tall and let them know that they’re wrong. It was, in fact, YOU.

I wanted to write a good journal today, but I seem to be too damn tired to think clearly. This last week or so has been pretty hectic and I don’t think I’ve fully recovered yet.

The lows have included:

My lady losing her job

Having to rent a room out in my house to cover the lost wages

Working my ass off at my two jobs

Realizing some people in my life don’t really need to be there

….and a few other things adding to my stress and fatigue

The highs have included:

Having my lady in my life

Finding a really awesome couple to rent to (and knowing I’m lucky enough to own a home and have a room to rent)

Loving both my jobs, regardless of how hard I’m working

Realizing I’m lucky enough to have some truly amazing people in my life

In looking back and reading what I’ve just written I can’t help but notice something different about myself: The ability and willingness to find something positive in most situations. It may just be the most important change (growth?) I’ve made in the last year.

And I call them......art?

"Pissed in the wind"


I love creative websites. My newest find is Mr. Picassohead

I think what I really like about the site is the fact that you can not only create your own piece, but view a gallery of others as well. It's always interesting to see what other people will come up with when given the chance to use their imagination.

"Beware the office gossips!"

Sure, it's not as good as being outside with real paint...but it certainly helps break up an otherwise tedious day!


Maybe I can compromise when I get home and add a bottle of wine and some french bread to the mix. Certainly that will help me feel more like a real artist!

self portrait of a man bored at work

This is exactly the type of thing that happens when you're bored at work (and "work" happens to involve a computer and Internet access)


It's not a lack of focus that leads me to such silly things as much as a lack of simply being challenged.

I’m not sure why it is that I crave a challenge. I mean, I’m as lazy as the next guy. I can ignore a pair of socks on the floor for a good 2 weeks before finally getting annoyed enough to pick them up. So why is it that I can’t stand it when the “slow time of year” comes around at work? I’ve gone from the kid that would only do enough homework to avoid flunking to the guy who gets annoyed when his coworkers are slacking off.

I remember the good ol’ days when I would complain about how I couldn’t understand women. Now I’m lucky if I understand myself.

Simple, but true...

I LOVE CLOUDS.

There is something magical about clouds. They're fluid and beautiful. No matter what's going on, I can always look up and get lost in them.

Shit or get off the pot!

The internet has always been a funny place to me. Especially when it comes to people: How they interact with one another, relationships formed via cyberspace, and of course “blogs”.

Now, I don’t want to come across as a hypocrite. Yes, I’ve certainly had made friends and such from the internet. Some of my favorite people are friends I’ve met online. And yes I “blog” about things. I think it can be incredibly therapeutic to open your heart up and share things with the world. I recommend it to anyone. But reading some of these blogs (not just on this site) makes me wonder… Do these people enjoy their life at all? Are they happy and only chose to write about the negative, or is that all they have?

Day after day I see these same people repeating the same mistakes. Hating their lives and doing nothing to change things. Having been in a place where I hated my life and myself, I can relate. At the same time, as someone who has gotten off their ass and made the necessary changes needed to be happy, it’s frustrating as hell to see.

Of course there are things in life that you can’t just “fix”. Sometimes change is easier said than done, but it seems to me that we’ve become a society of crybabies who’d rather whine about things than fix them. If your girlfriend treats you like shit, leave her! Tired of feeling like your life is meaningless? Then stop getting wasted every fucking night, move out of mommy and daddy’s house, and take control of your life.

Sure most people want to be happy. (I say “most people” because I’ve know a few people in my life who could only be happy when they had something to bitch about)…. Anyway, sure most people want to be happy. But happiness isn’t a fucking Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstake. You can’t just sit around on your ass waiting for it to show up at your door. Sometimes you have to work for it.

I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life, but my happiness has nothing to do with luck. It didn’t just fall into my lap like a stripper with a weak ankle.

I’m happy because I make the choice to be happy. ..EVERY day.

Yes, I have an amazing woman in my life… and of course that helps. But she didn’t just magically appear. I first had to make the choice. I had to realize I deserved happiness and that I would do what it took to be happy… even if that meant throwing an unloving wife out of my house.

Life isn’t perfect. It would be far too boring if it were.

I have a bum shoulder, bad knees, and less hair on my head than I’d like. I’ve had lows in my life that have brought me to the brink of suicide. None of that means that I can’t be happy. Happiness is a choice. Choose to go outside today and look at the sky. Take in the beauty of the world around you. If there’s something in your life keeping you from being happy, whether it be a person or a job or whatever… cut it out. Remove it from your life like a fucking cancer. You’ll be glad you did.

Or, take the easy way out. Do nothing to change things. Hate your place in life. Dream of obtainable things that you’re too lazy or weak to pursue and cry about it to anyone who’ll listen.

The choice is up to you.

I hope everyone out there has a wonderful weekend and holiday season. May you all find the things in life that make you happy and do whatever you can to spread that happiness to others.

P.S.

There is no need to bring up the plight of the starving, the homeless, etc. My ramblings in this journal are directed toward the typical young American with thousands of possibilities for a wonderful life.

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”

I orignally wrote this over a month ago and just came across it...

My life, as of late, seems to be in constant motion…constant change. Some of these changes have come by choice and some have not. The only constant has been my willingness to accept these changes. Wait…scratch that. The constant has been my embrace of these changes. I embrace change because, whether it’s planned or not, it forces me to go out of my comfort zone and grow as a person.

As Mary Antin wrote, “We are not born all at once, but by bits. The body first, and the spirit later; and the birth and growth of the spirit, in those who are attentive to their own inner life, are slow and exceedingly painful. Our mothers are racked with the pains of our physical birth; we ourselves suffer the longer pains of our spiritual growth.” Now, I agree that spiritual growth can be slow and painful… but it doesn’t have to be. The less I fight my growth, the more I’m able to both appreciate and learn from it. Life is a process. It’s fluid. Those who refuse to change, who remain stagnant, are destined for irrelevance.

Having gone through a difficult year where change was more of a requirement than a choice; I’ve decided to focus on the things in my life that I should change. Things that I may otherwise ignore, tolerate, etc. This desire to grow… to change… has so far inspired me to question my personal spirituality, and realize my life goals. However, it hasn’t been just my life that I’ve decided to change.

This last Monday was one of the more difficult days of my life. On that day I took my son, whom I’ve had sole custody of for over 8 years, and put him on a plane to Austin Texas where he’ll live with his mother. We’re still unsure of how long it will last. He may stay there until he’s 18 (he’s currently 15) or he may be back in 6 months. This was not a decision made for my convenience. I wasn’t tired of being a father or having a mid-life crisis. I put him on that plane because my son needed change… change of pace, change of outlook, and a change of priorities. In his case change was forced upon him. Hopefully, he listens to me enough to realize the good that can and will come of it.

* After writing this paragraph the mother of my sons’ best friend came knocking at my door. The reason for the visit? To let me know that two of my sons’ friends were burned alive at 2:22 this morning, right around the corner from my house. They were smoking pot in a van (inside their garage) and apparently fell asleep. It caught fire and killed them both. The youngest boy, who my son was caught smoking out with recently, was only 13 years old. So, I guess “change” was more than good in this case. I truly believe that if my son were still here, he would have been in that van.

My decision to relocate my son may have cost me his friendship, but it’s most likely saved his life and forced him to change who he’s been and become the man he’s destined to be.

Like Charles DuBois said, “The important thing is this: To be able, at any moment, to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.”