Better Late Than Never?

After 35 damn years of existence, I finally feel like I'm on the road to finding myself.

I know it sounds ridiculous. I've spent many years laughing at this very notion. After all, how in the world can people go through life without "finding" themselves, right? Well, it turns out it's rather easy to do. Especially if you're wasting time living in denial about who you are, or beating yourself up because you aren't living up to your own unrealistic expectations.

I'm finally realizing just how much my own inability to love myself has affected my life and relationships. I'm learning to question my initial thoughts and reactions to things and, in doing so, I feel that I am gaining a stronger understanding of my thought processes, including my negative thoughts (self-doubt, assuming the worst, etc), and behaviors. It's sad (and a bit embarrassing) to think of how many times I've pointed the finger at others instead of simply looking at myself.

Luckily, that has changed. Obviously, I'm human and I'm still going to slip up every once in a while, but for the first time in my life I feel truly aware of myself and my actions. I may not "love" myself quite yet, but I'm certainly starting to LIKE myself. I know I am a good, yet imperfect person. I know that I have a good heart and that, despite the many negative things that have happened to me, I am still full of love. I've also recently begun therapy...and I couldn't be happier about it.

For (possibly) the first time in my life, I am truly excited for the future...and that puts a smile on my face.

Takin' punches left and right

The last few months have been the hardest of my life. I lost my job back in October and, in many ways, things have simply gone downhill since. It's hard to explain the immense feeling of failure and impotence that follow a job loss...especially when you love the job. Not to mention the hopelessness that comes with looking for work in this economy.

So far, I've landed only one interview. Actually, it was a two-step interview process with the same company. It went well, but they decided to promote from within instead of hiring a new applicant. So here I am, after nearly 5 months of job hunting, with nothing but a nice new suit and roughly 100 passed-over job applications to show for it.

Depression and doubt have been much more frequent in my daily life than I'd like. However, they've also caused me to far more reflective than I was before.

I've spent a lot of time soul-searching and looking inward. I haven't found all the answers yet...in fact, I think I may just be finding more questions, but I still believe it's been really healthy for me. I'm finally now, in my 35th year of life, realizing what I want out of life and what I'm NOT willing to have in my life.
After years of feeling conflicted about it, I've welcomed God back into my life (with MUCH thanks to the gospel of Jay Bakker at Revolution Church). I'm also getting back in touch with the Buddhist teachings which have helped me so much in the past.

I am trying to reconnect with some of my old friends, as the depression I've been dealing with caused me to shut myself in quite a bit over the last half-year. I really forgot how much more difficult life can be when you don't have many people to lean on.

I thank all of you who take the time to stop by here and I hope you are all doing well. I hope to have a lot more to write and share in the future.

- Shawn

A list of random memories

I've had a pretty rough time as of late and it's put me in a rather reflective mood. The more I look back on my life, the more I realize that, though I've certainly had my rough times, I've also done some pretty cool shit. Unfortunately, I've also come to the sad realization that my memory is fading just about as quickly as my hairline.
It's not so much that my memories are gone...it's just that they seem to pop up more randomly as the years progress.
So, before I start forgetting things permanently, I'm making a list. When one of those random memories pops up I write it down. The longer the list gets, the more thankful I feel and the shorter my pity-parties last. It's not that I've had the most amazing life, but it has been interesting (at least I think so).


Here's the list so far:

• Seen the Ramones play live
• Eaten pickled herring in the Netherlands
• Shared wine with Eddie Vedder
• Played in front of 200,000+ people at Wembely Stadium
      Had a police escort to the gig
      Performed the ½ time show with the Raiders/ Saints game
• Got piss-drunk with the Blue Angels
• Taken a tour of the Partagas factory, in Havana Cuba
• Lived for a few months in Trois Rivieres, outside Quebec
• Performed around lake Geneva in Switzerland, appeared in their newspaper
• Canoed through a swamp in Florida, while being followed by an alligator
• Slept in an underground bunker in Switzerland
• Worked as a bouncer
• Seen the Royal Philharmonic perform at Royal Albert Hall, in London
• Driven through the French countryside
• Eaten horse meat (in Cuba)
• Watched a Santeria ritual, including the offering of animals, in a building filled people playing drums while in a trance-like state (Old Havana, Cuba)
• Danced, in drag, at the Beefeater in London
• Walked through the Mayan ruins of Chichén Itzá
• Spent a weekend being homeless-by-choice, just for the experience
• Visited the Petersen House, where President Lincoln died
• Snorkeled in Cancun
• Been to the site of the Twin Towers, post 911 (pre-construction)
• Shared a bottle of home-made rum with strangers in Cuba, on a beautiful night
• Driven through, or spent time in, 48 of our 50 states
• Visited the MET in New York
• Became an ordained reverend, and performed weddings
• Performed live music all over the US, playing 7 different instruments
• Run several multi-million dollar projects as an Electrical Forman before leaving the trade
• Seen well over 100 live musical acts (including the majority of my favorite bands)
• Met David Hasselhoff and KIT, during the Knight Rider days
• Was one of the stars of a made-for-tv movie in Japan when I was about 7 years old
• Watched the largest, most incredible thunderstorm of my life while sitting on the back porch of George Washington’s estate, Mount Vernon
• Visited the Lincoln Memorial, Washington Monument, Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, and the Vietnam Memorial
• Been woken up by having a wild boar enter my tent (on Catalina Island)
• Stood on the roof of the famous Capitol Records building (thanks Dan!)
• Been in a few, proper fist-fights
      Knocked a man out with a single punch
• Owned many different pets, including:
      Dogs
      Cats
      Rats
      Fish
      Parrot
      Salamander
      Python
      Hedgehog
      Desert Tortoise
      Iguana
• Eaten proper fish & chips, on a boat, while gazing at the white cliffs of Dover
• Seen a Broadway show
• Posed for cheesy photos in the actual Baywatch scarab (boat)
• Bumped into (and knocked down) singer Paula Cole
• Sat in Sinatra’s chair, in Capitol Records
• Played a note or two on Nat King Cole’s piano (also at Capitol Records)
• Played in a jazz group which opened for Tower of Power
• Watched the Changing of the Guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
• Watched the Changing of the Guard at Buckingham Palace
• Taken a few dozen tours behind the scenes at Disneyland (thanks Mom!)
• Had a nice conversation with Paul Stanley (of KISS)
• Spent a few days stuck in a hotel room during a hurricane in Florida
• Watched the Angels kick the Yankees ass, with great seats, in the World Series
• Kayaked around Catalina Island
• Fed the homeless on Thanksgiving
• Partied with Amish teenagers

I Call Bullsh*t

Happy Genocide Day!



Just as Columbus did not "discover" a hemisphere that was already inhabited by nearly 100 million people, his arrival should not be recognized as a heroic and celebratory event.

Columbus was the beginning of the American holocaust. Ethnic cleansing characterized by murder, torture, raping, pillaging, robbery, slavery, kidnapping, and forced removals of Indian people from their homelands.

To celebrate "Columbus Day" is to celebrate genocide.



Don't believe me? Stop believing the bullshit they fed you in elementary school and do some research for yourself.

Today's Realization...

I am better than who I am.

Might as well admit it...

I have become FAR too accustomed to disappointment.

I miss you...

Every so often, I'm hit with a yearning for my favorite place.

Cuba

I hope you recover from Hurricane Ike quickly, my dear friend.

Time for a Change (again)

I’m making a few changes which I’m rather excited about.

The first is giving up fast food again. I truly hope that I’ll be successful this time around. After all, it’s not like it tastes that great. I think my inability to avoid these horrible places comes more out of convenience and habit than anything else. It’s only been 4 or 5 days so far, but I already feel better. I’m noticing that I have more energy in the morning and I don’t get hungry quite as often. I’m also drinking more water again and doing my best to avoid soda.

The change I’m most excited about though is cycling. I have always loved bicycling, especially back in my healthier days. In fact, I can remember when my “dream job” was to be a bike messenger. Over the years, however, I drifted away from cycling (much to my regret). It was a combination, I think, of far too many knee surgeries (I’ve had 3) along with the stupid notion that I simply didn’t have enough time. Luckily, that’s all going to change.

I am going through all of the crap stuffed away in my garage and selling it to buy a new bike! All of my unneeded furniture, extra TVs, etc… will be sold so that I can purchase this beauty:

My plan is to ride daily, no matter what. No more driving to the coffee shop (to hang out), when I can bike there in only a few minutes. In fact; unless I really need to carry something (like groceries) I don’t plan on using my car within city limits. Hopefully, within a month of getting back in the saddle, I’ll be able to start riding to work at least twice a week. It’s about 9 miles each way, and fairly flat. Sure, it will take longer to get to and from work, but at least I can avoid all the damn freeway traffic! And let’s be honest here… it’s not like I need to be in a big hurry anyway.

If nothing else, this should be interesting...

Trashcan Lives

Once, when I was in high school, I spent the weekend down in Laguna Beach pretending to be homeless.

Now don’t get me wrong. This wasn’t some kind of game to me. I didn’t walk around in dirty clothes, begging for money only to go home and sleep in my nice, warm bed. I genuinely felt that I needed to know what it was like, if only for a night or two. So, I told my parents that I was spending the weekend with my best friend Doug (sorry guys), packed a few extra layers of clothes in my backpack and away I went. Days were spent watching tourists while eating the tortillas kept in the pocket of my jeans. I’d watch the surfers, tourists and basketball players and say hello to anyone passing by as I sat on my bench or against a wall.

It didn’t take long for me to see just how invisible you feel being on the street. People will walk past you, almost through you, as if you were a phantom. You don’t have to smell bad or look dangerous. You only have to appear in need. In need of food, money, courtesy… it doesn’t matter. If people feel you want or need something they have, you’re done for. Written off and ignored. Of course… they aren’t really ignoring you. They don’t trust you enough to ignore you. They just try their hardest to avoid looking at you or hearing you. It's like dealing with children at bedtime.

The nights were better. Walking along the street, peering through the windows of stores I wasn’t welcome in… the sound of the occasional passerby. Sleeping in the shrubs that face the ocean. Looking down the cliff at the waves crashing under the moonlight. Of course it was just as lonely, but at least it was peaceful.

I was reading a collection of poetry today by Charles Bukowski (one of my favorite writers) when I remembered this experience. It was this poem in particular:


Trashcan Lives by Charles Bukowski

the wind blows hard tonight
and it's a cold wind
and I think about
the boys on the row.

I hope some of them have a bottle of
red.

it's when you're on the row
that you notice that
everything
is owned
and that there are locks on
everything.

this is the way a democracy
works:
you get what you can,
try to keep that
and add to it
if possible.

this is the way a dictatorship
works too
only they either enslave or
destroy their
derelicts.

we just forgot ours.

in either case
it's a hard
cold
wind.

I love Radiohead

It's true. I love Radiohead. I have since the first moment I heard them. In fact, I have one of their lyrics ("Immerse Your Soul in Love") tattooed across my collarbone.

Today I was stumbling around the internet and came across a YouTube video of Thom Yorke performing "Videotape". It's just Mr. Yorke and a piano, and I think it's perfect in both its simplicity and its beauty.




Videotape

When I'm at the pearly gates
This'll be on my videotape
My videotape
My videotape

When Mephistopheles is just beneath
And he's reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days
And I have it all here
In red blue green
In red blue green

You are my center when I spin away
Out of control
On videotape
On videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it face to face
So I'm talking to you before it's too late

No matter what happens now
I shouldn't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen



There are few things in this world that touch my soul the way a well-crafted song can.
If I were to lose my sense of hearing, I honestly don't know if I would chose to continue living.

Handhelds & Hot Dogs

Thanks to T-Mobile, I was able to upgrade from my never-working-properly cell phone to a new Blackberry Curve for the paltry sum of $50 or so. I’ve only had it a couple of days, but I have to say I’m already in love. Granted, many of the things that excite me are simple functions that my last phone just wasn’t doing (like sending picture messages), but this is still one awesome phone. It does pretty much everything but feed me and wipe my ass.

I know it goes against my new “less is more” philosophy, but since I did technically get rid of the other phone to get this, I’ll just count it as a “replacement” versus “more new crap I don’t need”. Do you buy that load of crap? Good, me too! Hahaha

In other news, I’ve been working on the house lately (along with Christa and my buddy Adam) and it’s coming along nicely. I’m hoping to get the front bedroom painted and carpeted in the next week or so. I’ll probably start sanding the wood frame windows tomorrow night, and I’m getting a carpet quote Saturday morning.

Then, on Saturday night, Christa and I are heading up to Los Alamitos for the “Weiner Nationals”. The awesomeness should be overshadowed only by the oddness:

“The Wiener Nationals features all the excitement of a Quarter Horse race, with a total of 87 dachshunds strutting their stuff in front of a packed house at Los Alamitos. A total of 11 trial heats will be contested at 50 yards with the winning wieners advancing to the championship race. The participants were selected based on the creativity of their entries.” It’s put on by Wienerschnitzel, with proceeds going to benefit the Seal Beach Animal Care Center. I hope to post photos afterward.

If I can manage to fit cigars, wine and a visit to the ol’ coffee shop in on Sunday, it should be a pretty excellent weekend.

A perfect end to a good week

What a great weekend.

Saturday, I took my lovely fiancé down to the city of Lake Forest (formally El Toro) where I grew up. I showed her my childhood home, a few old hang outs and all of my old schools (Elementary, Jr. High and High School). For the high school, I actually gave her a walking tour of the campus. Other than a few additions (including a huge new building), it was pretty much as I’d left it. I was amazed at the flood of memories that hit me while we were there. I was really glad that we went, even with the ridiculously hot weather.

Later that evening we joined some friends from work at a party my boss was throwing. The weather was lovely and the drinks and Jello shots flowed freely.

Sunday we went up to Simi Valley to visit my sister and her family. We had the pleasure of watching my nephew and his team kick some serious ass in their baseball game… winning by 10 runs! Then we headed to their house for some swimming and food. It was a really great visit. Hell, we even got a new (used) couch out of it (The kind that turn into a semi-comfortable bed)!

All in all, I have had a pretty amazing couple of weeks. It’s hard to describe, but I’ve basically been lucky enough to re-live falling in love with Christa all over again… and I can’t begin to describe how amazing it feels.

I may not have all the material bullshit I’d like. I’m not rich and my hair is much thinner that I’d like. Yet, I can safely say you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who feels luckier than I do.

Next week… ROAD TRIP!

And so April begins

It’s cold today. The clouds that I usually watch have been replaced by a sheet of gray.

Looking out my office window, I can’t help but feel as vapid as the scenery.I’m in a place that I know all too well… where no matter how hard I work, nothing goes the way I hoped it would.

I am stretched as thin as I can stand.

I have no more to give.

I feel overwhelmed and alone, even though I know I am capable and loved.

I hate this.

The Things I Miss...

I’ve caught myself daydreaming a lot lately. I think it’s my quick and easy way to escape stress.

A major theme, as of late, has been “things I miss”. Most of these things are rather obtainable, so I figured I would write them down (kind of a to-do list) and see if I can’t make them happen.

Things I miss:

• · The sound of walking on gravel
• · The feeling of warm sand under my feet (even though I often hate sand)
• · The sounds and smells of downtown Havana
• · BBQ'ing with friends
• · The serenity of a nature hike
• · The food in Yountville, CA (it doesn’t matter which restaurant)
• · The excitement of performing on stage
• · The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York
• · Road trips
• · The simple comfort of napping in a hammock
• · San Francisco

Now that I’ve written them down, I have to say this list could also be titled, “My Happy Thoughts”.

work, stress and what to do next

I have spent so much time at work over the last few months that I have begun to actually feel as if my keyboard is simply an extension of my hands. The dull, numb feeling in my ass, caused by sitting in this chair for ten plus hours a day has become all too familiar and I could swear my ears are now more comfortable with a telephone headset on.

I am only 34 years old and I already feel like an old man who should be looking forward to retirement. I had my son at 17, which means I became a responsible adult before I was able to buy a Playboy. I have already spent 18 years in the work force. I’ve had 3 surgeries on my knees, 2 on my shoulder and 1 hernia operation. The hair on my head is now about as fleeting as support for our President and my beard is getting more grey by the day. And it’s my own damn fault.

I rarely take breaks at work, other than 1-2 minutes to get coffee or use the restroom. I work a minimum of 10 hours a day, which means I spend more of my waking hours in my office than I do in my own home. And when I finally do leave the office, I have no outlet to relieve my stress.
I’ve spent many years laughing at the “work hard / play hard” mentality but now I think I understand. It’s all about balance. I can’t continue to be a workaholic unless I find time for myself outside of work.

So, I have made a few promises to myself. Please note: I’ve made a point to come up with this before New Years. These are not resolutions to be tossed aside after a month. I see this as more if a life-change.

Here is the list of things that I will do for myself every week.

· I will keep a clean home (a cluttered home causes stress)
· I will dress better for work (sometimes appearance is all it takes to get the respect you want)
· I will cook a nice supper every Sunday (this will be an open-house type dinner where friends and family can always drop by and join in)
· I will walk more (I sit enough at work)
· I will make the time to read more (I have far too many books at home still waiting to be read)
· I will play music more often (whether it by my bass, my bassoon or something else… I need a creative outlet)

Granted, these things along will not necessarily lead to a more fulfilling or stress-free life… but it’s certainly a step in the right direction. I’m sure there will be weeks where I fall back to my old habit, but I’m willing to bet that I will soon find myself happier and healthier than I am now.

Only time will tell, I guess.

Southern California is a Mecca for shallow people.

Every day I hear people around me whining about the new laptop they can’t live without or how their soy mocha latte didn’t have enough foam. They feel sorry for their friends with ugly cars but they won’t give fifty cents to a homeless person.

Here's a thought.... Stop feeling sorry for the guy who has only 1 television at home and start feeling sorry for the guy who doesn’t have the sense to turn his damn TV off! Stop worrying about how many “friends” you have on MySpace (most of which you will never actually meet) and introduce yourself to the people living next to you.

Some of the happiest, most appreciative people I have ever known are living in Cuba with dirt floors and no running water. And yet, some of the most miserable people I have met are living in one to two million dollar homes in Newport and Laguna Beach.

Sure you can revel in the majesty of your ninety thousand dollar BMW and the new tits you just bought your wife. Keep eating that fast food and when your pants stop fitting just get lipo. After all, you can't be expected to exercise when you've got that new bar to check out in LA. Oh, and be sure to enjoy your first heart attack for your fortieth birthday.

Or maybe you can step back, take a good look at your life and realize that the most valuable things you have aren’t for sale. Learn to value things like your family, your health, your community. Understand that your real wealth isn't defined by tangible things. You may never lay down at night feeling Egyptian cotton, but at least you’ll feel content.

Now I realize that change isn't easy. I struggle almost every day in my attempt to become a better person. So, in an effort to help all you So-Cal locals out there, I thought I'd give you a daily To Do List:

• For every two text messages you send someone, say hello to one person who walks past you.
• Appreciate organic things. Instead of paying an extra fifty cents for a higher grade of gasoline, spend it on milk that isn't full of chemicals.
• When you meet someone, look them in the eye and shake their hand.
• Turn off your cell phone when spending time with a friend.
• Give someone the benefit of the doubt.
• Smile, even if you have no reason to.

As you can see, nothing on that list is difficult to do or time consuming. The only remotely difficult thing about the list is remembering to do it. So give it a try. If you don't see a positive change in your life after a week or two, let me know. I'll send you a Starbucks coupon for your trouble and you can get back to business as usual.

The times, they are a-changin’ …

It seems it’s time to grow up. It wasn’t a conscious decision really. In fact, if I had my druthers, I’d avoid it all together. But here I am, “Shawn the grown up”.

I think I first noticed this horrible change a week or so ago when I started shopping for my next car. Words like “practical” and “fuel-efficient” keep popping up, while key words like “convertible”, “horse-power” and “fun” are nowhere to be found. I never thought the day would come where I’m more concerned with ABS brakes than a loud exhaust.

I’ve also just left a website which I have been a part of for years. I owe a lot to the site, having met some of my dearest friends through it. However, as great as the community is, I feel that I have outgrown the site itself.

I am, for better or worse, ever-changing. My life has been one hell of a journey so far and I have a feeling I’m just getting started.

With a smug smile...

I often write about my love life… my life with Christa, only to keep it to myself out of a fear of coming off as smug and arrogant.

However, today I don’t really give a damn. I’m tired of keeping quiet about what makes me the happiest.

I wake up to poetry written on mirrors and tiny scraps of paper hidden throughout our home. Words that connect with my very soul and make me feel more whole than I ever thought possible.

I go to bed with the greatest lover I have ever known and I wake up with my best friend in the world.

I’ve read a thousand journals about how happy people are…how amazing their boyfriend/ girlfriend/ spouse is, and how they’re “the happiest couple in the world”.

I read it and I smile (assuredly, rather smugly) because I know that most people will never know love like this… and it’s a thought that will forever humble me.

I'm just not that flexible

This is how I feel lately...



NO, not like a cheesy superhero, you smart ass! If I were, it would be much easier. No, it’s more like I’m being pulled in too many directions at once. Between my career (day job) and the evening job it’s like I have no time for anything else…and it’s getting very old.

I need time for the things that are important to me. Things like my lady, my dog, my friends and hell, maybe even some sleep.


Something has to change soon or, unlike Plastic Man, I’ll eventually break.

Life has just been motoring right along...

I can't believe we're so far into the year already. I'm working so much that each month just flies righ by me.

I currently seem to have an obsession with dreadlocks. I've always found them intersting, but lately I seem to run into people with them everywhere... and I love them! It's the universe's cruel joke that I'm too bald to have them..... Maybe I can talk my lady into getting them though. mwuahahahaha

Speaking of random thoughts... I cant' remember where I came across this photo, but I love it.