Better Late Than Never?

After 35 damn years of existence, I finally feel like I'm on the road to finding myself.

I know it sounds ridiculous. I've spent many years laughing at this very notion. After all, how in the world can people go through life without "finding" themselves, right? Well, it turns out it's rather easy to do. Especially if you're wasting time living in denial about who you are, or beating yourself up because you aren't living up to your own unrealistic expectations.

I'm finally realizing just how much my own inability to love myself has affected my life and relationships. I'm learning to question my initial thoughts and reactions to things and, in doing so, I feel that I am gaining a stronger understanding of my thought processes, including my negative thoughts (self-doubt, assuming the worst, etc), and behaviors. It's sad (and a bit embarrassing) to think of how many times I've pointed the finger at others instead of simply looking at myself.

Luckily, that has changed. Obviously, I'm human and I'm still going to slip up every once in a while, but for the first time in my life I feel truly aware of myself and my actions. I may not "love" myself quite yet, but I'm certainly starting to LIKE myself. I know I am a good, yet imperfect person. I know that I have a good heart and that, despite the many negative things that have happened to me, I am still full of love. I've also recently begun therapy...and I couldn't be happier about it.

For (possibly) the first time in my life, I am truly excited for the future...and that puts a smile on my face.

Takin' punches left and right

The last few months have been the hardest of my life. I lost my job back in October and, in many ways, things have simply gone downhill since. It's hard to explain the immense feeling of failure and impotence that follow a job loss...especially when you love the job. Not to mention the hopelessness that comes with looking for work in this economy.

So far, I've landed only one interview. Actually, it was a two-step interview process with the same company. It went well, but they decided to promote from within instead of hiring a new applicant. So here I am, after nearly 5 months of job hunting, with nothing but a nice new suit and roughly 100 passed-over job applications to show for it.

Depression and doubt have been much more frequent in my daily life than I'd like. However, they've also caused me to far more reflective than I was before.

I've spent a lot of time soul-searching and looking inward. I haven't found all the answers yet...in fact, I think I may just be finding more questions, but I still believe it's been really healthy for me. I'm finally now, in my 35th year of life, realizing what I want out of life and what I'm NOT willing to have in my life.
After years of feeling conflicted about it, I've welcomed God back into my life (with MUCH thanks to the gospel of Jay Bakker at Revolution Church). I'm also getting back in touch with the Buddhist teachings which have helped me so much in the past.

I am trying to reconnect with some of my old friends, as the depression I've been dealing with caused me to shut myself in quite a bit over the last half-year. I really forgot how much more difficult life can be when you don't have many people to lean on.

I thank all of you who take the time to stop by here and I hope you are all doing well. I hope to have a lot more to write and share in the future.

- Shawn

A list of random memories

I've had a pretty rough time as of late and it's put me in a rather reflective mood. The more I look back on my life, the more I realize that, though I've certainly had my rough times, I've also done some pretty cool shit. Unfortunately, I've also come to the sad realization that my memory is fading just about as quickly as my hairline.
It's not so much that my memories are gone...it's just that they seem to pop up more randomly as the years progress.
So, before I start forgetting things permanently, I'm making a list. When one of those random memories pops up I write it down. The longer the list gets, the more thankful I feel and the shorter my pity-parties last. It's not that I've had the most amazing life, but it has been interesting (at least I think so).


Here's the list so far:

• Seen the Ramones play live
• Eaten pickled herring in the Netherlands
• Shared wine with Eddie Vedder
• Played in front of 200,000+ people at Wembely Stadium
      Had a police escort to the gig
      Performed the ½ time show with the Raiders/ Saints game
• Got piss-drunk with the Blue Angels
• Taken a tour of the Partagas factory, in Havana Cuba
• Lived for a few months in Trois Rivieres, outside Quebec
• Performed around lake Geneva in Switzerland, appeared in their newspaper
• Canoed through a swamp in Florida, while being followed by an alligator
• Slept in an underground bunker in Switzerland
• Worked as a bouncer
• Seen the Royal Philharmonic perform at Royal Albert Hall, in London
• Driven through the French countryside
• Eaten horse meat (in Cuba)
• Watched a Santeria ritual, including the offering of animals, in a building filled people playing drums while in a trance-like state (Old Havana, Cuba)
• Danced, in drag, at the Beefeater in London
• Walked through the Mayan ruins of Chichén Itzá
• Spent a weekend being homeless-by-choice, just for the experience
• Visited the Petersen House, where President Lincoln died
• Snorkeled in Cancun
• Been to the site of the Twin Towers, post 911 (pre-construction)
• Shared a bottle of home-made rum with strangers in Cuba, on a beautiful night
• Driven through, or spent time in, 48 of our 50 states
• Visited the MET in New York
• Became an ordained reverend, and performed weddings
• Performed live music all over the US, playing 7 different instruments
• Run several multi-million dollar projects as an Electrical Forman before leaving the trade
• Seen well over 100 live musical acts (including the majority of my favorite bands)
• Met David Hasselhoff and KIT, during the Knight Rider days
• Was one of the stars of a made-for-tv movie in Japan when I was about 7 years old
• Watched the largest, most incredible thunderstorm of my life while sitting on the back porch of George Washington’s estate, Mount Vernon
• Visited the Lincoln Memorial, Washington Monument, Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, and the Vietnam Memorial
• Been woken up by having a wild boar enter my tent (on Catalina Island)
• Stood on the roof of the famous Capitol Records building (thanks Dan!)
• Been in a few, proper fist-fights
      Knocked a man out with a single punch
• Owned many different pets, including:
      Dogs
      Cats
      Rats
      Fish
      Parrot
      Salamander
      Python
      Hedgehog
      Desert Tortoise
      Iguana
• Eaten proper fish & chips, on a boat, while gazing at the white cliffs of Dover
• Seen a Broadway show
• Posed for cheesy photos in the actual Baywatch scarab (boat)
• Bumped into (and knocked down) singer Paula Cole
• Sat in Sinatra’s chair, in Capitol Records
• Played a note or two on Nat King Cole’s piano (also at Capitol Records)
• Played in a jazz group which opened for Tower of Power
• Watched the Changing of the Guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
• Watched the Changing of the Guard at Buckingham Palace
• Taken a few dozen tours behind the scenes at Disneyland (thanks Mom!)
• Had a nice conversation with Paul Stanley (of KISS)
• Spent a few days stuck in a hotel room during a hurricane in Florida
• Watched the Angels kick the Yankees ass, with great seats, in the World Series
• Kayaked around Catalina Island
• Fed the homeless on Thanksgiving
• Partied with Amish teenagers

Might as well admit it...

I have become FAR too accustomed to disappointment.

Time for a Change (again)

I’m making a few changes which I’m rather excited about.

The first is giving up fast food again. I truly hope that I’ll be successful this time around. After all, it’s not like it tastes that great. I think my inability to avoid these horrible places comes more out of convenience and habit than anything else. It’s only been 4 or 5 days so far, but I already feel better. I’m noticing that I have more energy in the morning and I don’t get hungry quite as often. I’m also drinking more water again and doing my best to avoid soda.

The change I’m most excited about though is cycling. I have always loved bicycling, especially back in my healthier days. In fact, I can remember when my “dream job” was to be a bike messenger. Over the years, however, I drifted away from cycling (much to my regret). It was a combination, I think, of far too many knee surgeries (I’ve had 3) along with the stupid notion that I simply didn’t have enough time. Luckily, that’s all going to change.

I am going through all of the crap stuffed away in my garage and selling it to buy a new bike! All of my unneeded furniture, extra TVs, etc… will be sold so that I can purchase this beauty:

My plan is to ride daily, no matter what. No more driving to the coffee shop (to hang out), when I can bike there in only a few minutes. In fact; unless I really need to carry something (like groceries) I don’t plan on using my car within city limits. Hopefully, within a month of getting back in the saddle, I’ll be able to start riding to work at least twice a week. It’s about 9 miles each way, and fairly flat. Sure, it will take longer to get to and from work, but at least I can avoid all the damn freeway traffic! And let’s be honest here… it’s not like I need to be in a big hurry anyway.

If nothing else, this should be interesting...

Supporting My Local Fast Food Joint

I know, I know... fast food is bad for you. It will clog your arteries and shave valuable years off of your life. I'm not going to offend your delicate sensibilities by suggesting that you start frequenting your local Jack in the Box or Carl's Jr. No, I'm talking about those great little mom & pop joints, happy to have 3 or maybe 4 locations, that are becoming as scarce as my hairline.

Places where the employees actually care about the quality of the food they give you. Where the staff is large enough to serve you quickly, but small enough for them to actually remember you when you come in. I'm talking about a spot where you can get a burger and zucchini strips that look as good as this:

The Johnny California Burger (from Johnny's Burgers in Santa Ana)
-click image to induce mouth watering -

I don't mean to sound like a commercial, but I really can't say enough about this place. They have the best burgers I think I've ever had, 7 different types of grilled cheese (all of which are amazing), great vegetarian sandwiches (like their Sweet Potato & Avocado), and a shit ton of beakfast choices too!

They also carry Vintage & Original Recipe Sodas:

American Root Beer, Ginger Ale and Black Cherry
Moxie Cream Soda, Orange Cream and Cherry
Nesbitt's Orange, Strawberry and Peach
Red Ribbon Cherry, Root Beer and Grape
Plantation Style Mint Julep
Coca Cola (original recipe)
Dr. Pepper (original recipe w/ Imperial pure cane sugar)
Bubble Up!
Pennsylvania Punch Sweet Blossom
-and-
Mr Qcumber

I'm telling you... it's hard to find something more satisfying than a perfectly made hamburger with a side of Johnny's zucchini strips (or fries or sweet potato fries), chased with a cold bottle of original recipe Dr Pepper or Moxie Cream Soda.

As a bonus you can sit comfortably in a brand new booth, listen to some great oldies and revel in the knowledge that this used to be a Carl's Jr (which also means they actually have a drive-thru).

Unfortunately, because this is a new location for Johnny's Burgers, I haven't seen them getting too much business. So if you're ever in the area of Santa Ana/ Tustin and want some great food at very affordable prices, give them a try. If you're not sure what to try, hit me up and I'll give you some ideas. Hell, I might even join you.

Johnny's Burgers (#4) can be found at: 2029 E. 1st Street Santa Ana, CA 92705. I guarantee it's worth your time.

Ode To a Perfect Breakfast

Coffee; black and hot.
There's nothing more perfect in it's simplicity.

Corned Beef Hash; made fresh daily and cooked just right. Eggs; over-easy and ready for toast-dipping. Potatoes; crisp skin covering molten hot deliciousness. Just enough onion & pepper to compliment without overpowering.

Sourdough Toast; burnt...on purpose, with butter finding its way into each nook & cranny.

and last, but not least

French Toast with Fresh Strawberries; so sweet you don't even need the syrup. (this one was Christa's, not mine).

(Photos by Christa)

Yes, I know that having the cooks purposely burn my food will most likely result in my getting some horrific form of cancer.
Yes, I know that meat is murder.... but I also know that it's delicious!

You know what made this unhealthy breakfast even better? The nice, fat cigar I had afterward.

Suck it, health nuts!

p.s.

I did actually accomplish quite a bit on the ol' house this weekend, and I'll do a post about it later.

On Shaky Ground

So, I was working on a nice post about my weekend when all of the sudden this happened:



Ah yes... the joy of living in California. Nothing like a good, 5.8 earthquake before lunch to really wet the ol' appetite.

I'll do my post-weekend post a bit later I guess.

Weekend plans...

This should be a nice, productive weekend (I hope).

I'm off to Home Depot to get some supplies so I can finish sanding/ prepping the bedroom I'm painting this weekend. I'm hoping to have all the prep work finished early so I can get out and enjoy this beautiful day..

Then tomorrow, I'll get the room painted first thing so I can go out and play.

If I don't update with photos of a newly painted room by Monday, then you'll know my plan failed. haha