Better Late Than Never?

After 35 damn years of existence, I finally feel like I'm on the road to finding myself.

I know it sounds ridiculous. I've spent many years laughing at this very notion. After all, how in the world can people go through life without "finding" themselves, right? Well, it turns out it's rather easy to do. Especially if you're wasting time living in denial about who you are, or beating yourself up because you aren't living up to your own unrealistic expectations.

I'm finally realizing just how much my own inability to love myself has affected my life and relationships. I'm learning to question my initial thoughts and reactions to things and, in doing so, I feel that I am gaining a stronger understanding of my thought processes, including my negative thoughts (self-doubt, assuming the worst, etc), and behaviors. It's sad (and a bit embarrassing) to think of how many times I've pointed the finger at others instead of simply looking at myself.

Luckily, that has changed. Obviously, I'm human and I'm still going to slip up every once in a while, but for the first time in my life I feel truly aware of myself and my actions. I may not "love" myself quite yet, but I'm certainly starting to LIKE myself. I know I am a good, yet imperfect person. I know that I have a good heart and that, despite the many negative things that have happened to me, I am still full of love. I've also recently begun therapy...and I couldn't be happier about it.

For (possibly) the first time in my life, I am truly excited for the future...and that puts a smile on my face.

I met a butterfly the other day...

I can't remember where I first came across this, but it makes me smile everytime I see it.

So true...

"Friendship with oneself is all important because without it one cannot be friends with anybody else in the world."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Perfection

Pearl Jam played a show a few days ago honoring The Who. This performance wasn't just the best of the night, but one of the best live performances I've ever seen & heard. The performance was so powerful that I actually got teary-eyed... and that was from watching it on TV!

• VH1 TV Shows
• Music Videos
• Celebrity Photos
• News & Gossip

It's no wonder that I've been a die-hard Pearl Jam fan since I first heard them.

A perfect end to a good week

What a great weekend.

Saturday, I took my lovely fiancé down to the city of Lake Forest (formally El Toro) where I grew up. I showed her my childhood home, a few old hang outs and all of my old schools (Elementary, Jr. High and High School). For the high school, I actually gave her a walking tour of the campus. Other than a few additions (including a huge new building), it was pretty much as I’d left it. I was amazed at the flood of memories that hit me while we were there. I was really glad that we went, even with the ridiculously hot weather.

Later that evening we joined some friends from work at a party my boss was throwing. The weather was lovely and the drinks and Jello shots flowed freely.

Sunday we went up to Simi Valley to visit my sister and her family. We had the pleasure of watching my nephew and his team kick some serious ass in their baseball game… winning by 10 runs! Then we headed to their house for some swimming and food. It was a really great visit. Hell, we even got a new (used) couch out of it (The kind that turn into a semi-comfortable bed)!

All in all, I have had a pretty amazing couple of weeks. It’s hard to describe, but I’ve basically been lucky enough to re-live falling in love with Christa all over again… and I can’t begin to describe how amazing it feels.

I may not have all the material bullshit I’d like. I’m not rich and my hair is much thinner that I’d like. Yet, I can safely say you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who feels luckier than I do.

Next week… ROAD TRIP!

"Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it."





"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."



Martin Luther King, Jr. 1929-1968
R.I.P.

Beauty is everywhere

I've found some really amazing images whilst surfing the ol' web lately.

Here's a random sampling:













Beauty is such a funny thing... It's so often longed for and yet so often ignored.

Something I've made a conscious effort to do in the last few months is to take a few moments to appreciate the beauty in something. Whether it be a photo, a cloud, a song....anything.

I've found that the realization of how beautiful life can be is a great antidote to being overly cynical and pessimistic (something I'm rather familiar with).

Perhaps these images can do the same for you?

I wanted to write a good journal today, but I seem to be too damn tired to think clearly. This last week or so has been pretty hectic and I don’t think I’ve fully recovered yet.

The lows have included:

My lady losing her job

Having to rent a room out in my house to cover the lost wages

Working my ass off at my two jobs

Realizing some people in my life don’t really need to be there

….and a few other things adding to my stress and fatigue

The highs have included:

Having my lady in my life

Finding a really awesome couple to rent to (and knowing I’m lucky enough to own a home and have a room to rent)

Loving both my jobs, regardless of how hard I’m working

Realizing I’m lucky enough to have some truly amazing people in my life

In looking back and reading what I’ve just written I can’t help but notice something different about myself: The ability and willingness to find something positive in most situations. It may just be the most important change (growth?) I’ve made in the last year.

Shit or get off the pot!

The internet has always been a funny place to me. Especially when it comes to people: How they interact with one another, relationships formed via cyberspace, and of course “blogs”.

Now, I don’t want to come across as a hypocrite. Yes, I’ve certainly had made friends and such from the internet. Some of my favorite people are friends I’ve met online. And yes I “blog” about things. I think it can be incredibly therapeutic to open your heart up and share things with the world. I recommend it to anyone. But reading some of these blogs (not just on this site) makes me wonder… Do these people enjoy their life at all? Are they happy and only chose to write about the negative, or is that all they have?

Day after day I see these same people repeating the same mistakes. Hating their lives and doing nothing to change things. Having been in a place where I hated my life and myself, I can relate. At the same time, as someone who has gotten off their ass and made the necessary changes needed to be happy, it’s frustrating as hell to see.

Of course there are things in life that you can’t just “fix”. Sometimes change is easier said than done, but it seems to me that we’ve become a society of crybabies who’d rather whine about things than fix them. If your girlfriend treats you like shit, leave her! Tired of feeling like your life is meaningless? Then stop getting wasted every fucking night, move out of mommy and daddy’s house, and take control of your life.

Sure most people want to be happy. (I say “most people” because I’ve know a few people in my life who could only be happy when they had something to bitch about)…. Anyway, sure most people want to be happy. But happiness isn’t a fucking Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstake. You can’t just sit around on your ass waiting for it to show up at your door. Sometimes you have to work for it.

I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life, but my happiness has nothing to do with luck. It didn’t just fall into my lap like a stripper with a weak ankle.

I’m happy because I make the choice to be happy. ..EVERY day.

Yes, I have an amazing woman in my life… and of course that helps. But she didn’t just magically appear. I first had to make the choice. I had to realize I deserved happiness and that I would do what it took to be happy… even if that meant throwing an unloving wife out of my house.

Life isn’t perfect. It would be far too boring if it were.

I have a bum shoulder, bad knees, and less hair on my head than I’d like. I’ve had lows in my life that have brought me to the brink of suicide. None of that means that I can’t be happy. Happiness is a choice. Choose to go outside today and look at the sky. Take in the beauty of the world around you. If there’s something in your life keeping you from being happy, whether it be a person or a job or whatever… cut it out. Remove it from your life like a fucking cancer. You’ll be glad you did.

Or, take the easy way out. Do nothing to change things. Hate your place in life. Dream of obtainable things that you’re too lazy or weak to pursue and cry about it to anyone who’ll listen.

The choice is up to you.

I hope everyone out there has a wonderful weekend and holiday season. May you all find the things in life that make you happy and do whatever you can to spread that happiness to others.

P.S.

There is no need to bring up the plight of the starving, the homeless, etc. My ramblings in this journal are directed toward the typical young American with thousands of possibilities for a wonderful life.

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”

I orignally wrote this over a month ago and just came across it...

My life, as of late, seems to be in constant motion…constant change. Some of these changes have come by choice and some have not. The only constant has been my willingness to accept these changes. Wait…scratch that. The constant has been my embrace of these changes. I embrace change because, whether it’s planned or not, it forces me to go out of my comfort zone and grow as a person.

As Mary Antin wrote, “We are not born all at once, but by bits. The body first, and the spirit later; and the birth and growth of the spirit, in those who are attentive to their own inner life, are slow and exceedingly painful. Our mothers are racked with the pains of our physical birth; we ourselves suffer the longer pains of our spiritual growth.” Now, I agree that spiritual growth can be slow and painful… but it doesn’t have to be. The less I fight my growth, the more I’m able to both appreciate and learn from it. Life is a process. It’s fluid. Those who refuse to change, who remain stagnant, are destined for irrelevance.

Having gone through a difficult year where change was more of a requirement than a choice; I’ve decided to focus on the things in my life that I should change. Things that I may otherwise ignore, tolerate, etc. This desire to grow… to change… has so far inspired me to question my personal spirituality, and realize my life goals. However, it hasn’t been just my life that I’ve decided to change.

This last Monday was one of the more difficult days of my life. On that day I took my son, whom I’ve had sole custody of for over 8 years, and put him on a plane to Austin Texas where he’ll live with his mother. We’re still unsure of how long it will last. He may stay there until he’s 18 (he’s currently 15) or he may be back in 6 months. This was not a decision made for my convenience. I wasn’t tired of being a father or having a mid-life crisis. I put him on that plane because my son needed change… change of pace, change of outlook, and a change of priorities. In his case change was forced upon him. Hopefully, he listens to me enough to realize the good that can and will come of it.

* After writing this paragraph the mother of my sons’ best friend came knocking at my door. The reason for the visit? To let me know that two of my sons’ friends were burned alive at 2:22 this morning, right around the corner from my house. They were smoking pot in a van (inside their garage) and apparently fell asleep. It caught fire and killed them both. The youngest boy, who my son was caught smoking out with recently, was only 13 years old. So, I guess “change” was more than good in this case. I truly believe that if my son were still here, he would have been in that van.

My decision to relocate my son may have cost me his friendship, but it’s most likely saved his life and forced him to change who he’s been and become the man he’s destined to be.

Like Charles DuBois said, “The important thing is this: To be able, at any moment, to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.”

Immerse your soul in love

Just when I think I know everything, I realize I don't know shit.

I could have sworn things were heading downhill for me. The pity-party had begun.

But wouldn't you know it..... my life, instead, ends up better than ever.

I am head-over-heals in love. It's like nothing I've ever known. It's like I'm living in a movie. I have never felt so connected with anyone in my entire life. I can't wait to make babies with her and grow old together.

Pardon me while I swoon....