Better Late Than Never?

After 35 damn years of existence, I finally feel like I'm on the road to finding myself.

I know it sounds ridiculous. I've spent many years laughing at this very notion. After all, how in the world can people go through life without "finding" themselves, right? Well, it turns out it's rather easy to do. Especially if you're wasting time living in denial about who you are, or beating yourself up because you aren't living up to your own unrealistic expectations.

I'm finally realizing just how much my own inability to love myself has affected my life and relationships. I'm learning to question my initial thoughts and reactions to things and, in doing so, I feel that I am gaining a stronger understanding of my thought processes, including my negative thoughts (self-doubt, assuming the worst, etc), and behaviors. It's sad (and a bit embarrassing) to think of how many times I've pointed the finger at others instead of simply looking at myself.

Luckily, that has changed. Obviously, I'm human and I'm still going to slip up every once in a while, but for the first time in my life I feel truly aware of myself and my actions. I may not "love" myself quite yet, but I'm certainly starting to LIKE myself. I know I am a good, yet imperfect person. I know that I have a good heart and that, despite the many negative things that have happened to me, I am still full of love. I've also recently begun therapy...and I couldn't be happier about it.

For (possibly) the first time in my life, I am truly excited for the future...and that puts a smile on my face.

Better to get HIV than be a "bad" Catholic, right?

In my humble opinion, the Pope's reaffirmation of his ban on condoms (during his visit in Africa) further proves his irrelevance.
Sub-Saharan Africa has been hit harder by AIDS and HIV than any other region of the world, and yet this man has the arrogance and ignorance to continue the Vatican's ban on condom use.
More than 22 million people in sub-Saharan Africa are infected with HIV, according to a 2008 UNAIDS/WHO report. Nine out of 10 children with HIV in the world live in the region.
I'm sorry your Holiness, but the Catholic Church's Archaic way of thinking is NOT helping these people...no matter how much you may get them to pray.

Takin' punches left and right

The last few months have been the hardest of my life. I lost my job back in October and, in many ways, things have simply gone downhill since. It's hard to explain the immense feeling of failure and impotence that follow a job loss...especially when you love the job. Not to mention the hopelessness that comes with looking for work in this economy.

So far, I've landed only one interview. Actually, it was a two-step interview process with the same company. It went well, but they decided to promote from within instead of hiring a new applicant. So here I am, after nearly 5 months of job hunting, with nothing but a nice new suit and roughly 100 passed-over job applications to show for it.

Depression and doubt have been much more frequent in my daily life than I'd like. However, they've also caused me to far more reflective than I was before.

I've spent a lot of time soul-searching and looking inward. I haven't found all the answers yet...in fact, I think I may just be finding more questions, but I still believe it's been really healthy for me. I'm finally now, in my 35th year of life, realizing what I want out of life and what I'm NOT willing to have in my life.
After years of feeling conflicted about it, I've welcomed God back into my life (with MUCH thanks to the gospel of Jay Bakker at Revolution Church). I'm also getting back in touch with the Buddhist teachings which have helped me so much in the past.

I am trying to reconnect with some of my old friends, as the depression I've been dealing with caused me to shut myself in quite a bit over the last half-year. I really forgot how much more difficult life can be when you don't have many people to lean on.

I thank all of you who take the time to stop by here and I hope you are all doing well. I hope to have a lot more to write and share in the future.

- Shawn

Anger & Fear

The angriest people in the world are those who are the most afraid.